I am sad.  In every sense of the word.  I am also not a very nice person.  I am moody and tend to bring other people around me down too.  I don't know why I feel so sad.  Well actually I sorta do, but explaining it is very hard.

I fully accept that I am anti-social.  I can't help this and I make no appolgy for it - I just don't like people that much.  Everything in nature is fundamentally good and beautiful; every tree; every animal - all that is natural is pure.  Humans totally fuck this up.  Yeah, I know humans are "natural" but herein lies the problem.  We have forgotten this.  We think that somehow we are superior and we refuse to acknowledge the fact that we are just animals.  We have no right to destroy the world in the way we do, and spread hatred and cruelty, to both oursleves and to other creatures.  Basically humans suck, and i am ashamed to be one.

If I was to claim that this is the reason that I dislike people in general, I would be lying.  Although it is a small part of the reason.  The truth is that I am snobby - I set impossible standards for people, which they could never live up to.  I am also paranoid.  I get convinced that people  are taking the piss and try to avoid them.  I feel intimidated and uncomfortable and I flee.   The weird thing is that I can talk to people and stuff but I'd just rather be doing something else.  Which makes me two-faced into the bargain!

I am a selfish and lazy creature, but at least i can see and admit this.  There is only one person that I have ever met who understands me and who i really get on with and love.  This scares me  a little, because i had resigned myself to the fact that i would never meet anyone, who I respect and really like.  Sometimes late at night, the demons attack me and remind me that I fuck everything up...  I DO NOT want to fuck this up;  I want this, which is why it scares me.  But it excites me too.  For once in my life i feel truly mellow and i want to say a big thankyou.  The thing that scares me most is that i always believed that I was the only perosn I loved (which also caused me to hate myself...), but now I know that that is not true. 

Yes, I have issues, but maybe I am happy as I am. I destroy the things around me and force people away - I bring misery on myself.  But maybe I dig that.  Sometimes I think that I feel nothing, as if I'm totally empty, but if that was true I wouldn't even be writing this stuff down - there would be no point.  Mutilation helps to fill the void, but it doesn't really do much; it's just a temporary release.

I am a freek (yes, 2 e's), a misfit and an outsider.  I am ugly and I lack charisma or sex-appeal in any way.  But here's the weird bit.  I really kinda dig this.  I don't want to be part of society.  Society makes me sick.  Looks count for everything.  Be trendy.  Fit in at all costs.  FUCK THAT!

I love you Freekeee xXx